Don't Let the Messenger They Shoot Be You!: A Book Review

Time to catch up a bit. I was sent a review copy of "Don't Let The Messenger They Shoot Be You", by C. Mike Jousan, early in the Spring. It's a quick read, but I haven't found it to be easy to review.

For starters, I hate to give negative reviews, but I have to admit, this book didn't do much for me. Originally published in 1992, this is the '20th Anniversary Edition'. It hasn't been updated much though - the illustrations (cartoons) are beyond retro - they're simply terrible. He references, without sourcing, the Mehrabian study finding that 93% of speaking is non-verbal, which should be more than thoroughly debunked by now, and even advocates the old standby military approach of speaking: Tell 'em what you're going to tell them, tell them, and tell 'em what you told 'em.

The book is filled with 122 one to two page chapters organized alphabetically - what one might today view as a series of blogposts compiled into a book, though blogging certainly didn't exist in 1992, if I recall. Maybe a series of newsgroup posts? There is sound, if well-traveled, advice throughout the book, but with such short chapters, we don't get a sense of the author and his journey, much less any real concrete examples to back up his advice.

This book is billed as "A Survival Guide for Public Speaking", and as an easy-to-read beginners book, may have its place in the high school libraries of the world, and I'm sure it flies off the back tables of Mr. Jousan's speaking engagements. But there are too many trite-but-no-longer-quite-true tidbits within, without anything new for more experienced speakers to benefit from for me to truly recommend it.

Speaking of the 2012 Toastmasters International Convention

Just a few words from my heart to those of you competing at the World Championship of Public Speaking this year....

Speaking of the Perfectionist Bug

Speaking of Your First Move...

"How do I get started?"

This is the question that invariably comes up from speakers I coach.

My answer is always the same:

"Well....what do you want to say?"

Reactions range from silence to confusion to quick lists of 3-10 topics to the scariest of all: "I can speak about anything!" As the old saying goes, if you can speak about anything, you really can speak about NOTHING with authority, creativity, and impact.

- If you don't know your message, you'll be hard-pressed to find an audience who wants to listen to you give it, regardless of how talented you are, much less get paid for speaking.

- If you don't know your message, it will never improve. You'll just keep saying whatever is at the forefront of your mind on the general topic.

- If you don't know your message, your audience will decide what it is for you, and it may not be the message you want. Or, more likely, they'll decide you don't have a message at all.

Even if you think you know your message, bouncing it off a coach can pay off. I've watched people's message transform in a matter of hours as they dig deeper than they thought they could, and honed their point into a stronger concept than they thought they had. There's a big difference between talking about web design, for example, and talking about WordPress for Stay-at-Home Moms.

Too Many Ideas?

Helping clients find and keep a message can be my biggest challenge as a coach. I've worked with clients who change their approach entirely between sessions, based on conversations with friends, spouses, web designers, other coaches, MLM opportunities, and even their accountants, and this can happen week to week to week.

Depending on the topic, your approach can vary considerably, which may drive you (and your coach) a little nuts. While it's challenging, it's also a necessary component to the process, as long as you understand you need a destination point. At some point, preferably before your first booked talk at your buddy's rotary club, you have to make a decision.

I'm not saying each speaker should only have one topic. But even if you're only giving the speech one time, knowing your message is crucial. But if you're starting out as a professional speaker, one topic is more than enough. Especially if you're learning all the other concepts - writing, editing, delivery, and marketing at the same time.

Finding your well-defined message is your first move as you prepare to Speak...and Deliver.

How Would You Make Speak & Deliver Bigger..Faster...Stronger?

Speak & Deliver will be undergoing an upgrade over the next few days to ensure greater readability, and become more helpful to you in every way.

If you could add or subtract to this blog, what would you do? I don't have six millions dollars, but I believe we can make S&D Bigger, Faster, Stronger!

Please comment below with your ideas, or on Facebook.

Thank you,

Rich.

5 Tips for Giving an Honorable Eulogy

It's Memorial Day in the United States today. A day we are supposed to remember the men and women who have died in battle defending our country (and the free world), both its land and its peoples, as well as its ideals and interests.


Today, “war” doesn't mean the same thing, isn't perceived the same way, as it was back when we were extricating ourselves from the British, fighting among ourselves in the Civil War, or banding together with the Allied Forces in World War II – but soldiers have gone forward under the same mindset in all generations: to give service, and even their lives, to their country.


Offering a memorial talk for anyone, be it a soldier, a friend, a parent, a grandparent, or even a child, poses a challenge to even the most seasoned speaker. Rarely, however, are all, or even any of the mourners 'seasoned speakers'. Instead, it is family and friends who are pressed into service with little time to prepare, much less process, the emotion involved in their task.


If this someone is you, or someone you know, I hope the ideas below will help you offer your thoughts and bring comfort to those in mourning with you.


5 Tips for Giving an Honorable Eulogy


1. Be Personal. Unless you're an outside moderator, such as a preacher or public official, you had a connection to the deceased. Share the connection. Use your personal relationship as a touchstone in your talk, so we can see where in their life you fit in. It will make your words more meaningful, and perhaps give us insight into whom we're mourning, even if we thought we knew everything about them.


B. Tell Stories. How did you first meet? Did you have any adventures? What is your lasting memory of interacting with them? Starting with “I remember when...” will instantly put you into your tale, and help transport the audience from this somber scene to one that held more joy, more excitement, more hope.


Stay positive, and don't reveal facts that were meant to remain private, or that could create controversy. Now is not the time to reveal embarrassments or shocking realities. Now is the time to be honoring, focusing on the best aspects of the life that was lived.


C. Laughter Heals. In most cases, it IS okay to use humor in a eulogy. Your funny anecdotes with your friend will help others remember their own joyful moments. Keep in mind there is a difference between being humorous and making fun. In a memorial, the deceased should never be demeaned or called out for the sake of a laugh. The less you knew him or her, the less you know those gathering, the more cautious you should be. Finding humor in times of pain, however, can be a great way to honor the dead and help heal the living.


There are many types of memorial services. If you're at a wake, humor can be more involved and is actually expected and desirable. If it's a ceremonial burial, humor may be taboo. Know the situation you're in.


D. Be Short. The longer you speak, the greater the chance you will either be overcome with emotion, or your audience will become overcome with the desire to make you sit down. Don't try to say everything – just hit one or two points, and sit down so the next person can speak.


If it is your child, parent, or sibling, you can't really put a time limit on your grief – you have a lifetime of thoughts to share. Going on too long, however, opens the door for you to say more than you want to, and can go from healing to despondency, from honoring to painful public grieving. Start with two or three ideas you definitely want to share, and if you go long, no one will think less of you. But know that once you have said what you were determined to say, you can sit down before breaking down, confident you've honored their memory the way you intended.


E. Speak Like a Human. Don't put pressure on yourself to be eloquent.  You can use a quote, a poem, even a verse from a song (said or sung), as long as it is pertinent to the deceased rather than an opportunity for you to look good. This is not the time to be concerned with giving the greatest eulogy in history. Be yourself – talking to a group of other people who loved the person you are honoring, just like you did.


We've seen a fair amount of very public memorials in the last 20 years that have 'raised the bar' for what we might expect from ourselves – from the pomp and circumstance of Princess Diana to the entertainment extravaganza of Michael Jackson to the somber despair witnessed following September 11th, 2001. Most of us won't find ourselves in those situations. Most of us will be in front of 25 to 200 friends and family in an afternoon service, at a loss for breath, much less for words. Don't expect yourself to be superhuman in these most human of moments.


Remember the memorial service is more for the living than the dead. It is a time for grieving for most, whether that comes through tears over death, celebration of life, or, most likely, a combination of the two. You've been asked to speak both for your own peace of mind and to add to the collective honoring of those in attendance – your thoughts, your memories, matter. Be Personal, Tell Stories, Laugh, Be Short, and Be Human – and you will show your honor and respect for both the living and the dead.

If You Don't Write It, You Won't Say It

I recently had a speech contestant ask me if I'd watch his speech at the contest that night and give him some feedback. Always happy to do that - it's my job, but also a passion to help other speakers when I can.

I emailed him some basic thoughts, and asked if he'd send me his script so I could help him work through some  kinks in the speech. His reply? "I haven't written it down." My jaw quickly collided with my keyboard.

On one hand, it's somewhat impressive that he got as far as he did without a script (District Level). On the other, I can't help but wonder how much farther he would have progressed if he'd been willing to put his speech to paper, or at least to an electronic document. Why put yourself in the position of giving what amounts to a rehearsed impromptu speech time after time? Why put your audience in position of having to listen to it, for that matter?

I've written before on the benefits of writing your speech - but maybe it takes focusing on 3 Points of Pain to get my point across:

1. Sloppy Stories - you may have the perfect story in mind, but your mind has a way of adding fluff and diverting your train of thought mid-sentence if you have sharpened your story in writing. Don't risk wasting words on an aspect your story that doesn't matter. If you're talking about recovering from a head injury after a car wreck, for example, we probably don't need you to go into the details about how you financed the car when you bought it.

2. Train Wreck Transitions - you've memorized the order of your stories or point chunks, kudos to you. But if you aren't smoothly going from one point to the next, your audience gets mentally thrown around as they try to follow you from point to point. You can end up leaving them at the last town and, by the end, wondering how you got from the station to the final destination. Transitions are one of the few parts of a speech I recommend memorizing, if possible. It'll save your listeners from mental bumps and bruises, and possibly save you from getting derailed entirely.

3. Clumsy Closes - nothing ruins a great speech like a lousy close. People finish with the meat of their speech and then just seem to hit the eject button. They may be out of time, out of energy, or simply out of ideas - and they end up leaving their audience out in the cold. No matter how exciting, funny, and/or insightful the journey has been, if you don't bring them to a moment of closure, your message will be lost. I admit, finding your close is difficult - I do a wonderful job finding closes for others, but often call in help on my own.

The Bottom Line: If you don't write it - you won't be able to consistently improve upon it or even remember to say it from presentation to presentation. I'm not saying you have to memorize everything word for word, that you need to read your notes, or that you have to be perfect. In fact, I'm a big proponent of the trigger method of using notes in a longer presentation. But if you don't have something to reference as you prepare, something to build upon other than merely the ethereal and ever changing mental images in your head, you're limiting your audience's experience, and your own ability to Speak....and Deliver.